A Shameless Society is a Narcissistic Society

Why have we become so shame phobic?

We are a shameless society, wanting to completely remove shame from the human experience.

This represents a dangerous ignorance of the difference between healthy shame and toxic shame, and I believe this is a major lesson we need to learn at this time.  

Healthy shame serves a critical purpose in society - it shapes our empathy, conscience, and prosocial behavior. 

Healthy shame is when we do something harmful to someone else, and feel the internal discomfort of having done something wrong.  

It’s a powerful internal corrector of behavior for the highest good.

It helps develop our morals and values, giving us a sense of right vs wrong.

So, what happens when we live in a truly shameless society?

John Bradshaw states, "Without healthy shame, moral behavior and ethical responsibility are impossible."

Removing shame from a society directly erodes its moral fabric, hampering our ability to discern right from wrong.

This is a prime breeding ground for abuses of power, as it literally removes the skill of discernment when we interact with other people. We are hindered from being able to assess other people’s character.

This is a common dynamic in the empath-narcissist dynamic: the empath has been conditioned not to judge or shame, and they are overly accepting of others’ behavior. Therefore, they are easily manipulated and run over by others.

We can see many other examples of how this is playing out collectively right now, and cultivating shamelessness is a tactic for manipulation en masse.

It is also tied into the use of moral relativism (“it’s all good, we shouldn’t judge, there’s no such thing as right or wrong.”)

Moral relativism is directly in opposition to natural law, or universal law (the belief that higher morality is determined by God, not by man).

Many people who oppose moral relativism know that this is a tactic being used by dark occultists (and unethical individuals) to breed a shameless society.

At the very least, the desire to live in a shameless world is fueled and supported by narcissism.

A simple example I use when teaching the concept of healthy shame is:  if I punch somebody in the face when I get angry, I should feel shame. 

You wouldn’t tell a child, “Don’t worry about it, that behavior is totally fine.”

This healthy shame is meant to be a powerful internal shaper of our behavior, teaching us that we must consider other people (rather than act in a completely self-absorbed or narcissistic way, doing whatever I please.)

It is directly tied to the development of empathy.

This is the higher purpose of shame and why it exists, and encourages us to take responsibility for our mistakes which helps prevent this type of harmful behavior in the future.

Toxic shame is much different - it is a poison that erodes our self-worth and usually comes from ego-based judgments from others as a way to control us (in ways that are not for our highest good).

Think about it this way - healthy shame is an invitation for us to evolve on a soul level, while toxic shame actually hinders our progress.

But because our current culture assumes that ALL shame is harmful, I see time and time again that the shame police are seeking to completely remove it from our culture.

This:

1) removes a powerful lever that is meant to shape prosocial behavior, and

2) is absolutely being perpetuated by the forces that seek to erode healthy relationships due to just how powerful and essential healthy shame is for our growth.

Parents who may have grown up dealing with the effects of toxic shame may swing completely to the other side, inadvertently preventing their children from learning and growing through healthy shame (because they don’t understand the difference between healthy shame and toxic shame).

Unfortunately, trying to save our children from the impact of healthy shame directly interferes with their ability to grow into mature, empathetic individuals who care about others - and is part of the rise of narcissism and self-centeredness that we are seeing across the board.

Removing healthy shame drives us into the lower realms, breeding immature, indulgent, and selfish behavior that is aligned with service-to-self (narcissism).

I would say that this is having the opposite effect to helping humanity grow and evolve towards our higher selves, and this is why I feel so strongly that we need to address this now.

[An essential book to understand the difference between healthy shame and toxic shame is Bradshaw's Healing the Shame that Binds You.]

I want give an example of how I worked with healthy shame years ago when my marriage collapsed. 

Although I didn't realize it at the time, I alchemized the (healthy) shame of having hit rock bottom in my late 30's as a suddenly divorced, newly single mom. I looked at myself from the outside in and recognized that I had NO idea how to be in a healthy relationship. 

Healthy shame arose, I admitted I had dysfunctional relationship skills, and chose to step up to the plate. I researched and read everything I could about healthy relationships, I worked with professionals, and I put everything into practice in my day to day life with the people around me, and in dating.

Very quickly, within just a few years, I had accomplished targeted and effective work on myself and experienced massive growth in my relationships.

While I didn’t use this as an opportunity to beat myself up and spiral into self-hatred (as I was able to see the factors that caused my dysfunctional relationship skills), I did use it as a catalyst for growth.

Humility was key, and I recognized this as a critical aspect in that moment years ago. So much so, that I regularly use this personal example of having to get really humble when I teach classes on relationships as a way to tell people, hey - we’re all human and make mistakes. No big deal, just admit that you need help and dive in.

We can either stew in self-hatred, or we can see the opportunity for growth with clear eyes and get to work on ourselves. The choice is ours.

When shame arises, we must ask ourselves - is this an invitation for me to grow and evolve, OR is this some other person’s ego-based judgment on how I should be that does not match up with my values and soul-level evolution?

This is how you tell the difference between healthy shame and toxic shame.

[Putting our own ego to the side is key here, and knowing ourselves at a soul level is required. Know thyself.]

From a higher spiritual perspective, two quotes that I stumbled upon later helped me connect the dots in terms of why humility is so key on the path of spiritual development:

Only a person who has passed through the gate of humility can ascend to the heights of spirit. - Rudolf Steiner

Healthy shame is the psychological foundation of humility. It is the source of spirituality. It signals to us that we are not God - that we will make mistakes, that we need help. Healthy shame gives us permission to be human. - John Bradshaw

It is a signal to us that we are here in this school of life to learn soul lessons, that nobody is perfect and we all have work to do. We each have a specific curriculum that is orchestrated for our benefit, and that this is our unique path of soul development.

I knew that there was a huge opening when I hit rock bottom and admitted that I had a LOT of work to do in relationships. If I hadn’t admitted that to myself, I wouldn’t be doing what I do today, and what I know now is my mission and purpose. My passion for this work is endless, because it is why I was placed here in this lifetime.

So I wholeheartedly encourage you to embrace healthy shame. Don’t turn away from it, just get humble and use it to your advantage.

Remember, on a level of soul evolution, we are here to learn lessons, to grow and evolve. Nobody is perfect, we all come in at different levels in all different areas of life. Use healthy shame as fuel on the path.

Every day we are given opportunities to become better, to attain mastery, and move towards our highest potential. With humility, admit that we are here to learn until our last day (and continuing on in future lifetimes, if you believe that as I do.)

If we fail to see this and instead collapse from shame, it will take you in the opposite direction, eroding your sense of self-worth, creating an endless cycle of self-hatred, and directly interfering with your growth and evolution.

All of this correlates to having a growth mentality and taking personal responsibility, which is key for our spiritual development.

I invite you to completely reframe your view of shame and how to work with it, clearly understanding the difference between healthy shame and toxic shame, if this is a new concept for you.

From my vantage point, this is a critical lesson that we must learn collectively in order to rise into the next chapter.

In the comments below, let me know any of your comments and questions on shame and how to work with it.

Onwards and upwards,
Leigh-Anne

Leigh-Anne LoPinto is a psychologist, relationship coach, and breathwork teacher with 12+ years of experience.  She works with people all over the world to heal relationship wounds, develop healthy self-love, and attract incredible relationships.  She specializes in conscious relationships and divine union, using relationships to evolve on a soul level. 

Learn more about The Wayshowers mentorship here.