ON FORGIVENESS, ACCOUNTABILITY, AND BEING A GOOD PERSON

I know a lot of people who put enormous pressure on themselves to forgive those who have abused or harmed them.  I have also done this in my own life.

People hold many strong opinions about forgiveness and the absolute necessity to do so.  “We must forgive” is often taught with the implication that if we do not, then we are somehow flawed. Some argue that if it's hard for us to forgive someone, we simply need to understand that it's freeing ourselves as well as the other person.  

While I understand that holding a grudge isn't healthy and can keep us stuck, there's something about the absolute necessity of forgiveness that never quite landed for me. Recently, while listening to Part Two of Episode 114 of the Cosmic Matrix Podcast (How to Break Cycles of Ancestral Trauma), Laura Matsue shared a quote that helped me make sense of what I was feeling into.

She quotes Joy Manne:

"On the subject of forgiveness, Hellinger [Family Constellations Therapy] is clear: abused children cannot forgive their parents. It does not lie within their power to absolve their parents of their guilt.  They may instead be given the following truth statements:

What you did was bad for me, and I'm leaving you with the consequences.

I'll make something out of my life in spite of what happened. 

You're at fault, not I, and you must take the consequences, not I."

This is it.  When we forgive, we're essentially sending the message, "it's all good, you're freed of any responsibility, no more needs to be done here, let's move on." 

We are rescuing the other person from the consequences of their actions. 

It is through consequences that we atone.  This is where we grow, developing character and empathy.  

And yet reading this quote, I can see so clearly how this is radically different than how we’re taught. Especially nowadays, it is very frowned upon to ‘shame’ another person. But as John Bradshaw writes about in Healing the Shame that Binds You, there is a difference between healthy shame and toxic shame. He writes, “Without healthy shame, moral behavior and ethical responsibility are impossible.”

If I punch somebody in the face, I should feel ashamed. Healthy shame is an essential part of forming a conscience, and it’s how we learn and grow into good people.

This reminds me of my conversation with George Simon on the effective treatment for narcissistic and character disordered individuals (people who are often perpetrators).  Effective treatment involves helping them to cultivate empathy, teaching and practicing appropriate behavior and social skills, and encouraging the development of conscience (including teaching morals and values).  Accepting the consequences of their behavior and making amends is a crucial part of this.

People who fall in this category often have little to no conscience, while their victims often have an over-active conscience, placing blame on themselves rather than holding the other person accountable.  Unfortunately, when this happens, nothing changes and the cycle continues.

Despite popular belief, not everyone who falls in the category of narcissistic and character disordered individuals has trauma that has 'made' them that way.  This is hugely important to understand. I remember someone saying to me recently, “But doesn’t everyone have trauma?” No. We can’t make this assumption, and when we do, we often unconsciously treat others like children rather than competent adults. And as someone who does have a background of trauma but has done work to heal, I don’t want someone treating me that way.

While sometimes it is the case that perpetrators have trauma, it's not always the case.  And when therapists make the assumption that these people are just wounded and need to be healed, when this is not actually the truth, it can actually make the problem worse. Offering a ‘safe, shame free space’ enables the behavior to continue.  Dr. Simon covers this at length in his book "In Sheep's Clothing," and we also speak about it in Episode 30:  The Rise of Narcissism.  And so CBT and DBT are treatments of choice as opposed to traditional psychotherapy.

I see very clear parallels between the best way to actually help people who harm others and the Joy Manne quote on forgiveness.  I also see parallels between this and parenting styles.  Permissive parenting is overly forgiving and rescuing to the extreme, and this parenting style has been on the rise for decades. It is shaping a generation of children who are overprotected from any consequences and/or challenges and grow up weak, self-absorbed and lacking many basic life skills (think of adults who have never really grown up. In my eyes, this is an epidemic these days.)

I worked as a psychologist in the high schools of Los Angeles for many years on and off from 2011-2019. By and large, young adults getting ready to graduate and enter the real world lacked grit, resilience and being able to persevere through hard things. Much of the response from educators trying to ‘help’ had a permissive, coddling approach where these young adults were treated like helpless children. While it’s good to have love and compassion for others (of course!) we have to do our part to prepare children and young adults for the rigors of the world. Being overly protective and over-involved does not have good outcomes.

On the podcast, George Simon and I discussed how the rise of permissive parenting as a response to authoritarian parenting (pendulum swing) is part of the reason we see a rise in narcissistic individuals.  And so if this is true, it explains the point above that many people who fall on the narcissistic end of the spectrum actually lack an ‘explanation’ of trauma for why they act the way that they do. In fact, it may be the exact opposite cause, as permissive parents often tip-toe around their children to prevent trauma at all costs, but end up going in the other extreme where the child ends up coddled and overprotected from any hard things. This ends up preventing the development of strong character traits such as resilience, empathy, and self-responsibility, while encouraging the development of self-centeredness, entitlement, and inflated self-esteem. This is a very important point to highlight, and I’m speaking directly to parents here - please take responsibility for how you’re raising your children. Permissive parenting has a massively negative effect on kids.

So, if authoritarian parenting and permissive parenting both have bad outcomes, then what? The answer is authoritative parenting (not to be confused with authoritarian).  It's the middle way:  structure, limits and boundaries with love.  Clear expectations, positive reinforcement when appropriate, consequences (with love) when appropriate.  Honoring and respecting your children and their thoughts and feelings, while understanding your role as the parent who is in charge and has the final say.

Children do well with clear structure and boundaries because they know what to expect, there is consistency, and they feel safe knowing an adult that they can trust is in charge.  

As a parent myself, I can’t tell you how often I see other parents just getting run over by their kids. Consciously or unconsciously, they’re trying to do things ‘differently’ than their parents did, but end up missing the mark and going to the opposite extreme. It’s basically an unconscious trauma response to their own childhood, and they end up over-compensating without being aware of the damage being caused.

(A note to those who identify as empaths - if you have difficulty setting boundaries and have people pleasing tendencies, parenting may be hard for you. There is a real tendency here to slip into permissiveness. The remedy for this is to do the inner work to learn about healthy boundaries and how they can benefit relationships. Learn about authoritative parenting approaches and actively work towards this.)

Raising children with an authoritative, ‘middle way’ approach sets the stage for healthy relationships, and this parenting style has been shown time and time again to have the best outcomes for children's mental health. They are more likely to be self-reliant, independent, socially skilled, and well-behaved.

I believe that proper parenting is a huge factor to protect society against narcissistic and character disordered individuals, because while the treatment approach outlined above can help adults who fall in this category, it is much more difficult to change an adult’s behavior than a child’s. And in some cases with these individuals who have reached adulthood without proper interventions, not much can be done to help them. (This is why it’s important to understand if you are in a relationship with one of these individuals, they may never change.)

I wanted to speak a little bit about accountability. I say this a lot when I teach:  I want people to tell me if I'm being inconsiderate in relationships.  I want to be held accountable for behavior that might be upsetting to others.  It gives me a chance to grow, become a better friend/partner/etc.  Of course, sometimes people get triggered and blame us when it's actually their 'stuff.'  But there are plenty of times that we all need to be held accountable, and that's not a bad thing.  I think we need to normalize this in relationships.

I know this can seem scary to people who are sensitive - they might worry that inviting feedback from others might hurt their feelings or make them feel bad. The way I ask for feedback is for it to be delivered in a loving way, if possible. For example, it’s much different to yell at someone and call them a name vs. saying, “That kind of hurt my feelings. Can you be a little more gentle next time?” This is just an example.

Some people need feedback delivered in a kind and loving way in order for them to ‘hear’ it. Others need direct, straightforward feedback, sometimes even a bit of ‘tough love.’ Everyone is different. This is a great thing to find out from your partner, friends, family, etc. It can be part of the development of clear, open, loving communication with each other, the foundation of healthy relationships.

And, if you’re still uncomfortable with the idea of receiving input from others on how you’re showing up in relationships, developing the ability to withstand feedback even if it does trigger some uncomfortable feelings inside of you is a valuable skill to develop. This usually involves developing more confidence and self-trust so that we can ‘hear’ others in a more neutral way, and discern what is constructive feedback vs. a personal attack.

I've taught my son that he’s more than welcome to tell me when I’ve done something he doesn’t like, and now he feels totally comfortable openly expressing himself.  It gives us the chance to talk about it, and I can show him I'm open to taking responsibility and adjusting my behavior for the benefit of our relationship.  

I think we have this distorted view of what ‘holding people accountable’ means these days. Think cancel culture and all of that. It doesn’t have to be that way. Healthy accountability is simply taking responsibility for your behaviors and what you communicate. Nobody is perfect, and we are here to grow and evolve. So we do this in part through the friction of the ‘other’ to provide a different perspective and hold that mirror up for us so we can see our blind spots.

At the same time, we don’t always have to submit to others’ feedback. We must develop the ability to sit with it, see if it is helpful for us, and then integrate the lesson (or not). This is why developing a strong sense of self, being grounded in our values, and seeing ourselves with clear eyes is important. I know many people who constantly fold to others’ viewpoints and opinions about them, losing all sense of their own identity. This has a damaging effect on self-love and self-worth (that is usually not that strong to begin with) which often needs to be remedied down the line.

So, back to this opening quote on forgiveness.  It’s a radical stance in these times. I know many people will have different views, and that's fine.  I'm sharing this because it's helped me put another puzzle piece into the bigger picture of what’s happening on the collective, and makes sense to me in terms of a solution moving forward - to embrace accountability and natural consequences as a way to shape pro-social behavior across the board.

To wrap up, I wanted to share an observation that I’ve seen over the course of working with hundreds of clients over the years. For people who are compassionate, kind, good-hearted people (often labeled empaths), it can be extraordinarily difficult to hold others accountable, or to even express to the other person that they have done something wrong. Of course, this ties into boundaries. Empaths often take over-responsibility and point the finger at themselves when the truth of the situation calls for the other person to accept the consequences of their behavior. Remember - the most loving thing you can do here is to give them the opportunity to do so, in order for them to learn and grow.

If you found this article helpful, please share it with others who may benefit from reading it. And if you need support with anything I discussed here, reach out and connect with me directly.