THE DANGER OF PASSIVITY

If you grew up in a traumatic environment where it was not okay for you to stand up for yourself, then you may have learned to suppress healthy anger.

The purpose of anger in its purest form is to tell us when our boundaries have been violated so that we can say:

No.

Stop.

That is not okay with me.

I don't like that.

It is a form of protection so that we can take care of ourselves and teach others how we need to be treated, and vice versa - being open to hearing this from others so that we can say, "sorry, I won't do that again."

Many people who come to me have suppressed their healthy anger response due to trauma, and therefore have little to no boundaries.

They are 'too' nice and let a lot of misbehavior slide.  They shrink and take the hits.  

Unfortunately, this enables the outside world to continue on towards the narcissistic end of the spectrum, un-checked without the opportunity to take personal responsibility. 

It widens and feeds the victim/victimizer dynamic.

Especially for women, the programming is thick that teaches us that anger is not acceptable/attractive/etc, and this just intensifies any of the learned behavior around suppressing our natural protective instincts.

Anger has become so demonized in our society that we have lost sight of the underlying purpose of protection.

Dysfunctional use of anger includes the expression of violent rage and also the other extreme, the suppression of healthy anger.

It's been talked about quite a lot over the past few years how dangerous passivity can be, and breeding passivity in society is definitely a strategy that people who prefer to dominate and control others use to keep people in line.

With so many people desperate for love, especially if they grew up in environments where love was lacking or withheld, it is understandable why they would want to do everything in their power to be 'easy' for other people to like.

What's unfortunate is that what actually happens with people who have weak boundaries, low standards, and a disconnection from healthy anger is that they actually become targets for mistreatment, and so this strategy backfires.  

It also creates a downward spiral where they continually internalize that they do not deserve to be treated well, which continually erodes their self-worth.  

And self-worth is definitely a prerequisite for being able to set healthy boundaries with others.

What I've seen both in my own life and also the lives of my clients is that we often have to learn our lessons the hard way, and so many people do not wake up until they hit rock bottom.

Healing trauma includes rebuilding healthy levels of self-worth, working with the nervous system, moving towards secure attachment, developing clear communication, creating healthy boundaries, becoming more assertive and resilient, and learning how to spot red flags.  

In addition, avoiding the drama triangle trap is critical to be able to move towards empowerment.  

The last big piece involves developing a growth mindset to be able to see the purpose behind all of it, that life is a school for us to learn and grow.  Relationships in particular are a huge catalyst for healing and expansion when we can see through this lens.

This is my overall philosophy in the work I do with clients to help them develop healthy relationships.  It works, and is a solution to ending the victim/victimizer cycle.