THE WHOLE GAME
About three months ago, I started to feel real contentment - this peacefulness internally. Genuine happiness. A cessation of seeking externally.
People say to me often, "You seem so peaceful." "You're so calm." "You seem so grounded."
Although I was well aware that they were seeing something true, I also believed that they were seeing me in a kind of ‘mode,’ and that I wasn’t in that mode all of the time.
I would often joke with them about how human I was, quickly reassuring them that I was fallible, pointing to frustrations that come up in motherhood or partnership as evidence that I was like them.
It’s interesting, that impulse to be relatable. Seeing how often I’ve done that in the past with others, I’m kind of tired of making myself relatable. I am who I am, and people can relate to me or not. Why do I need them to? I’ve actually been told this before by others, and maybe you have too - “You have to make yourself relatable.”
I get it on one level, it makes people feel comfortable and connected to us. But what if a preoccupation with being relatable gets in the way of us being our true selves?
The funny thing is, I AM relatable, and that’s why people come to me. I have told my story before, it’s out there, and people share with me all the time that it’s why they like me.
But being relatable for the sake of being relatable isn’t something I care to do anymore. I know that by just being myself, the ‘right’ people will relate to me. My people, the people meant to be around me now. And it’s the same for you, too.
In the past, I’ve literally made myself dumber, using words that are easy for people to understand and digest, acting in certain ways to assure others that I’m human, not speaking on the level I know I’m capable of.
Could this type of behavior tie in to the feeling of safety and acceptance that we unconsciously seek from the external world? I’m sure it does to some extent. But I’m really grateful for the ever present feeling of ‘never fitting in’ that has been there since day one, because I’m used to it. I don’t need to fit in, that doesn’t really interest me. As Krishnamurti says, “It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a sick society.”
But rather than that giving me some sense of identity as ‘different’ or ‘fringe’ as it used to, I’m not really romanticizing it anymore. It’s just information.
Back to that realization that I’m in a certain ‘mode’ when people notice that I’m peaceful or settled. Nowadays, since this contentment has spread throughout all aspects of my life, I can honestly say it is my default mode now.
This level of contentment feels like a miracle because it wasn’t always this way. I know the other side. But now, I don't need anything to be different. I am connected to my purpose, in the flow and partnered with God, grateful for it all. I see the bigger picture of my life and why everything had to happen exactly as it did (and how everything has to keep happening as it is), and I bow to divine perfection.
And yet there is this other knowing - that there is MUCH more contentment to be experienced, a deeper level of it - and that this is just a basic level that everyone should have access to.
This is because I believe that this is our natural state, and yet we have been made to believe otherwise.
It's the disconnection to our union with the divine - being cut off from source as our guide - that is the real problem to be overcome.
About a month ago, I met a friend for coffee. I could not stop smiling. I was giddy with life. It was funny to watch myself from the outside in as the observer. I knew that I seemed strange, different. But there was no self consciousness about it, because there was something so right and beautiful about it.
I simultaneously yearned for this for others - because as I started to notice it within myself, I also started to notice that nobody around me felt the same way.
I get it - I didn't either for most of my life. This is new.
As I began to see the stark difference between myself and others, I was able to observe their reactions to me being in this state.
Some of this isn’t totally new. I’ve been connected to my mission for years now, and have seen the reactions in other people who aren’t. But this deepening (and recognition) of contentment has really allowed me to see other people much more clearly. It's as if I can see the truth of how my state of being triggers them, showing me their shadow side clearly.
These people, many of whom I love and care about, cannot relate to me. They understand, though, that I have something they want. Jealousy, anger, insecurity, trying to put a lid on me, trying to knock me down, all of this happens subtly. I can feel it on an energetic level, and can hear their internal thought processes when they are not able to own it and share it with me.
Rather than seeing me as a source of inspiration, they have these other reactions because they somehow do not believe that they are capable of the same.
Huge voids of self-love and self-worth exist, and the vast majority have not found their mission and purpose, wandering around aimlessly. This is a huge problem.
(People forget that purpose does not have to be a job - it can be devotion to being a great mom or partner or any other number of things!)
Most people are blind to the everyday blessings that attempt to reach them minute by minute because they are caught in a loop of negativity and self hatred, a cloud of discontentment.
At a soul level, they know something is off. There is a chronic irritability within them trying to signal: wake up, wake up.
When I ask myself why I choose to keep these people around me, those that I can feel are holding me down, it is as if I need them to reinforce this last layer that needs to be sloughed off - a layer of unworthiness, that inner voice that says: who are you to feel this way, you don't deserve to feel this good, you're selfish to embody this level of fulfillment when others cannot - almost like unconscious self-sabotage dragging me down because of the 'upper limit problem.'
It's easy to blame others when they do this to me (yet it might be good to illuminate it on some level so that they can see it and make other choices), but ultimately I have to see myself with clear eyes and ask why I choose to allow this type of energetic exchange to occur.
Do I not believe that I deserve to be surrounded by people who will lift me up instead of tear me down? Are there even any people out there who are capable of this? Am I afraid of my own power?
Of course, I know the answers intellectually. But it's really fascinating to see these programs still running in the background. I notice, however, that they have lost a lot of their influence and are dying out. And just writing this out exposes the silliness of all of it.
And so, now that all of this is in my conscious awareness, I double down on what I was intuitively drawn to a few years ago - an inner circle of people who are in a similar state, totally connected to their mission, on fire for life, and totally secure. They are self sourced/sourced from God and do not energetically pull from others or knock others down to be more comfortable. They enable greatness, not mediocrity. They are awake and aware of the bigger thing happening that is always trying to pull us in the other direction - not as a way to be victimized by it, but as a way to be conscious about what choices they make and what energy they choose to embody.
When gathered together, these types of people can change the whole game.
This is my new bar.
But I wonder - what would actually happen if I immersed myself in these types of relationships? I know the power of this type of relating, and the expansion that would become available to me (and them). I know that I (we) have to build capacity to rise way up. The nervous system expansion work is real.
Now, when I feel into what this type of expansion is and what that would feel like, I have felt the visceral sense of *almost* surrendering to what feels like this massive energetic orgasm that will seemingly overtake me - totally letting to of all control (of the ego). Even as I write this now, I can feel the edge of where I end and infinity begins, the ultimate level of surrender of where my soul is taking me - which is my destiny, and yours too.
So, how do we embody our True Selves with no limitations on our fullest expressions? Well, I do know some of the things, and I talk about it more below (in terms of what has helped me move towards this). Carl Jung has outlined this in his path of individuation: recognizing the persona, doing shadow work to heal trauma and make the unconscious conscious, anima/animus integration, and the liberation into the True Self (your unique expression of the divine).
Words don't really have the ability to describe the full thing, but when I often say that ‘we are only scratching the surface' - this is what I mean. And not just in relationships, but in life in general, in our expression of our fullest capacity.
The exciting thing for me is that although I’ve hit a new level of contentment and connection to the divine, I humbly know that I am ‘only scratching the surface.’ There is much more to come.
And now, I want to transition into making some of this more tangible for you.
Going through the thing so that I can then help others is definitely a big theme in my life. All of my work has come from this place.
As a helper, of course I want to understand the factors that contributed to this next level of contentment and satisfaction so I can replicate it for others. And I do know some of them, which I'll share shortly.
I feel driven to share all of this with you because I know that most of us are on a quest for contentment - to be able to feel truly relaxed and satiated, completely at ease, in full trust of our lives and why we are here. And so much of our behavior is centered around seeking that contentment externally.
This is known, obviously, by the people who seek to profit off of it. Everything in this world makes sure we stay in a state of discontentment. We're blasted 24/7 with messages that we need this or that to be happier, we are not good enough as we are, all these other people have it figured out, etc.
Layer on top mass traumatization from events on the world stage, a dedication to keeping people stuck in the victim triangle, and erosion of basic relationship skills causing a deficit of human connection, and you sure have a great recipe to keep people operating in survival mode.
Advertising and marketing at its core uses dark psychology to manipulate the masses, and the knowledge of how to do this is no longer held by a small percentage of the population - now, everyday people are being equipped with marketing strategies due to the rise of entrepreneurship, and pain point marketing is the gold standard that everyone is being taught. So now, we’re all doing it to ourselves and others. It feeds the internal program of “I’m not good enough,” keeping it alive and well.
What an interesting idea to train the masses to do all of this to ourselves, internally and externally.
It's easy to exploit people who are desperate for contentment, profiting off of their insatiable desire to fill the bottomless hole, and yet this obvious method of manipulation is missed by so many of us who continue to consume unconsciously.
Consumption and grasping at everything outside of ourselves to desperately satisfy this soul angst is the root of all addictions - and as we are collectively primed for awakening on a mass scale, hundreds of new modalities to become addicted have popped up on the scene, distracting us from our destiny.
This onslaught of addictions and the splintering of our attention spans is most profoundly impacting our children, this new generation that is so obviously tuned in and sensitive at a level never seen before. (Better make sure they don’t fully actualize their gifts!)
These voids that we seek to fill are almost always created in childhood, most often as a result of less than ideal parenting. Abuse, abandonment, neglect, and any lack of the love, care, and attention that we needed as children create these holes.
And so instead of learning and applying basic psychological repair strategies like reparenting, we unconsciously continue our addictions because the quick hits feel good and easy, preventing us from stepping into the discomfort of sobriety and facing our pain.
So, how I was able to step out of all of this?
Well, my whole life story is too long to write here, but you can find that elsewhere (mostly on the podcast, bits on Instagram, etc.)
To summarize, I’ve been through the fire in relationships and have experienced immense pain and devastation in my life. All of these things created my own personal void, and I’ve had many addictions in my life trying to fill it. These events in my life pushed me to rock bottom on more than one occasion. And this is how many people awaken, through the ‘rude’ awakenings. As many people can relate to, the pain of staying the same was too much to bear - and so I knew that I had to surrender to something bigger.
So, here’s what I know for sure helped me to fill the void:
A unshakeable connection to God and a sincere wish to be a vessel for divine will. I was seeking Divine Union and received it, the merging of divine will and human will, allowing myself to be a unique expression of God here on Earth. I do not believe this is unique only to me - I believe that we all long for this, even if we are not conscious of it, and I also believe that this is the destiny of all, no matter where you’re at.
The path to this place was through years of inner work, shadow work in particular, as well as cultivation of inner union. Although my path is public, and I wrote about it here and also offer it directly here, many clients who come to me don’t realize that I’m taking them down this same path. Again, Carl Jung calls it the path of individuation. This is the journey from the false self to the True Self, or you as a unique expression of God, aligned with divine will.
Maintaining awareness that everything in this world is trying to disconnect us and distract us from the truth of who we really are (the war on Divine Union) and I have to be vigilant about keeping the channel open.
The understanding of the bigger picture of my life, seeing that all the pain and suffering had a purpose, recognizing all of the lessons learned and continuing to be learned, and coming up and out of the underworld (many times) to serve others who are the women I once was. This is the Wounded Healer archetype, and the archetype of the Alchemist.
The everyday devotion to my mission (and God) as a source of ultimate fulfillment that simply cannot be sourced from any other place. Once you get a taste, there is no going back. This source provides satisfaction on a soul level that gives me energy, passion, happiness and contentment.
This essay is meant to inspire you. It is not meant to trigger you, although it probably will for some.
Either way, my prayer is that this serves as a transmission for your remembering. And may you take the next best step forward on your unique path of living as a human embodiment of the divine, whether you accept that or not.
Leigh-Anne LoPinto is a psychologist, breathwork teacher, and relationship coach based in Los Angeles. She works with others to strengthen foundational relationship skills, heal core wounds, practice conscious relationships, and move towards Divine Union.