The Woman with a Heart of Gold
There is a certain type of woman who comes to me for support. I love her because she is a former version of myself, and I understand who she is.
She has a heart of gold, a sweetness and acceptance of others that is unparalleled. She is incredibly thoughtful and kind, always thinking of others first before herself.
She walks into a room quietly and carefully as to not disturb others. Affirming others of their specialness and worthiness is second nature to her, she wants everyone to be happy + healed.
When others are cruel to her, she sees the troubled person underneath and takes nothing personally. Love and compassion flow freely without conditions.
She is a master at feeling into people and situations, shapeshifting into whatever is needed. She has an uncanny ability to accommodate the needs of others, needs they may not even be aware of. And so they seek her out, and often become dependent on her.
Because of her non-judgment, she often attracts people who take advantage of her. And yet because of her unconditional love, she allows them to stay + take.
And so unfortunately, she comes to me completely sucked dry, often entangled in an abusive relationship or two, completely perplexed as to what she is doing wrong.
This is not her fault. Women have been taught to be self-sacrificing since day one, and the idealized version of women has remained the good girl who is easy and doesn't rock the boat, someone who helps and heals and makes everything better for everyone, while putting herself on the back burner.
And the truth is that when you begin to shift out of this pattern, it WILL rock the boat and the very people who are takers won't like it. And so the risk is that you will lose their love.
But was it really love in the first place?
Here's the paradox. In a perfect world, where everyone was good and kind and respectful, nobody would prey upon her. She would be respected and valued for her heart and willingness to do good things. The exchange would be there.
But the reality is that we don't live in that kind of world. While it's important to understand that some people who are cruel (the spectrum going from nasty comments to the unfathomable) are hurting inside, having boundaries and showing them what is acceptable and what is unacceptable behavior is actually the greatest gift to them.
It helps to teach them how to be a good person who can contribute to society and take into account the wellbeing of others.
Permissiveness is running rampant in our culture - and it's one of the reasons why narcissism is so pronounced. Allowing people to do whatever they want unchecked is NOT an act of love for them. Any good parent knows this.
Another very important thing to understand is that not everyone who is hurtful towards others has a history of trauma. There are a multitude of factors beyond the environment one grew up in that shape personality.
Some people who fall under the category of antisocial personality disorder, narcissistic personality disorder, and other profiles that describe true character disorders have nothing in their past to ‘explain’ why they are this way, it's just how they are wired.
2% of the population meets criteria for psychopathic traits, which is frighteningly common if you imagine a room of 100 people.
And so I say all of this to tell you that having compassion for others is incredibly important, AND we need to say NO to behavior that is harmful.
If we are not able to, we are enabling the behavior to continue.
The healing balm for these women includes turning towards themselves to see their own worthiness, healing damaged levels of self-love, learning healthy boundaries, setting limits, and ultimately taking a stand for themselves.
It truly is the antidote to self-abandonment.
Reach out if you need support. I've helped hundreds to heal from this pattern and step into sovereignty (while remaining compassionate.)
If you can recognize yourself in this type of person, some of my favorite books for healing include:
Dodging Energy Vampires - Christiane Northrup
In Sheep's Clothing - George K. Simon, Jr.
Energetic Boundaries - Cyndi Dale