When Relationships Become A Spiritual Path

When my life collapsed in 2014, I didn’t realize that picking up the pieces of my smashed heart (and ego) would lead me down a deep and profound spiritual path.

At first, it was simply crisis mode as my ex-husband and I entered into therapy, trying to save our marriage. But the next two years ended up being a profound wake-up call that led me into my life’s calling.

I was directly shown all of the places that needed to be healed, everything that I had swept under the rug.

I was also directly shown all of the parts that I had abandoned for love. Basically, all of my inner work was revealed to me over the course of that dark night of the soul.

My life had been desperately trying to get my attention up to that point in less dramatic ways, through intuitive hits that I conveniently ignored (for about 16 years).

But because my ego preferred to keep my perfectly curated life, I pushed them aside and continued onwards with what I now know was a facade.

What I’ve learned with certainty is that when we ignore our intuitive nudges, the messages will only get louder and louder. This is universal law and happens without fail.

Why? Because there is a force beyond our small selves that is constantly attempting to lead us down the path of growth and evolution, for our highest good.

We can run and hide, but it will always find us.

Although my pull to be with my ex was very true and organic (and extraordinarily strong from the start), our relationship skills were abysmal, and much baggage had gathered over the years (we met when I was 18).

With our dysfunctional relationship skills and inability to navigate conflict in a healthy way, we entered into therapy far too late, and it was beyond saving, although we tried for quite a long time.

(Side note: as I have personally lived through the stigma of relationship therapy preventing us from receiving support much earlier, it pains me to see how many couples also doing the same - entering therapy at the final hour.

The reality is that at this point, the success rate of healing things is quite low.

I dream of a world where one day, couples will normalize getting support right from the start, seeing it as a true investment in the health and longevity of the relationship. The stigma needs to end.

While it is true that not every relationship is meant to last forever, quite a large number of relationships fail due to unconscious, unhealed wounds wreaking havoc in the background, in addition to a serious lack of healthy relationship skills.

With the growing interest in relationships and healthy love, I have hope that people can see that not only is all of this preventable if we take responsibility for the inner work required, but also that relationships and the healing involved is actually for us, which is what this article is about).

During that time in my life where I could not hide anymore, what I now know as a force that truly loved me the most dragged me kicking and screaming towards all of the mess of my unconscious, forcing me to look at it with clear eyes.

That force reminds me of Kali, destroying everything that does not serve with a love so powerful that it becomes your greatest blessing.

And yet, it doesn’t have to be so hard - when we listen to, and trust our intuition every step of the way instead of ignoring it, life is so much easier. This takes deep self-trust and micro-moments of courage. Embedded here was one of my major life lessons.

But when we do continue to ignore our intuition, things get more forceful, because there are some things that we simply can’t get away with turning a blind eye to.

During the collapse, the first thing I was strongly shown was that I had to heal my relationship with my femininity. I had no idea what that meant, but I followed this call in the best way that I knew how.

I was also shown that I needed to reclaim my spirituality, which I had abandoned for years.

These two things - which appeared separate at first - ended up becoming one and the same. And yet, this wasn’t new, as I had already developed a connection with the feminine spiritual paths from a young age with my draw towards earth based spirituality and living with the cycles.

Although I had come in to this life very sweet, spiritually connected, and sensitive (almost lacking any ‘masculine’ skills such as boundaries and having a spine) the culture of this relationship was one where logic and rationality were put on a pedestal, and emotions and spirituality were demonized. Essentially, the feminine was not welcomed.

While it would be easy for me to point the finger at him for creating this culture (as it came from his family upbringing), the truth is that I bought into it, was attracted to it, and chopped off true parts of my soul in order to fit the mold for love. And so, there was a part of me that must have agreed that spirituality, emotions, and resting (yin/feminine energy) were somehow bad, while the more masculine attributes were superior.

The misogynistic masculine attraction was no surprise, at least not now, as I know that was my father.

I played into this for years until everything collapsed and I was shown that I had to return to my true self. Which ended up being a reclamation, in large part, of my feminine soul.

Long story short, when I did the work required, and learned to love and accept all parts of me, in addition to sharing these parts openly with others, I saw that our relationship was not a match for me anymore, and so I left.

At the end, we parted with love and knew that the relationship was not a match for either of us, and ending things created an opening and liberation for both of us to find new, aligned relationships, which we both deserved.

(I cannot tell you that this will also be the case for you, each unique couple has to determine for themselves with minimal external interference what is right for them. We had to give it all that we had, exploring every nook and cranny for an extended period of time, before we were willing to step away).

On a personal level, to this day, I will never again abandon parts of my soul, and my big, beautiful heart, emotions, and spiritual connection are going nowhere - in fact, they are only deepening.

And since reclaiming my healthy feminine, I have also learned what the true and healthy masculine is, and revere it as well. (Obvious note: it is not the misogynistic masculine that hates the feminine. Nor is the misandristic feminine that hates the masculine a healthy form of femininity. Healing the relationship between men and women, and masculine and feminine, is a core of my work.)

At one point on my healing path, I picked up a book by Robert Augustus Masters called Transformation Through Intimacy. It was the first time that I was presented with the concept that relationships are a spiritual path - a crucible, as he called them.

These moments are life changing, these memories that we will never forget. They hit you like a ton of bricks and something just rings loudly.

As I saw the truth of what he was saying, that relationships bring up all of our stuff for a reason - for us to see it all, and then to heal it all - the shame and perception of failure regarding my divorce faded away. All of the victim mentality of ‘poor me’ in relationships ended.

I knew he was correct, and this catapulted me into a complete (and permanent) mindset shift around relationships - that they are here for us, for our healing, for our growth, for our spiritual evolution.

They are the mirror that makes the unconscious conscious, giving us the material for soul evolution (think Carl Jung’s path of individuation).

We are not here randomly experiencing our life and relationships, there is a much deeper purpose beyond it all.

And so this was a great spiritual awakening for me, that persists to this day, and has influenced my personal relationships, and my work profoundly.

I shared this recently with Anita Toi on her podcast, Spiritually Grounded, if you’d like to listen.

For me, this is a very grounded path, using our human-ness and relationships with other humans to spiritually evolve, and it matches Jung’s path where we wake up to the persona, engage in deep shadow work, and move towards inner integration (anima/animus) which leads us to the True Self.

Some spiritual traditions have rejected worldly life - relationships, sexuality, etc - to pursue enlightenment. For me, I have been shown a very different way to get there, and it’s a way that makes perfect sense to me, putting everything into perspective.

Currently, very few people are living in a way such that they see (and honor) the material of their life and relationships as an evolutionary portal. And yet, the numbers of people waking up to this path are increasing by the day.

(The Visionaries is based on this path.)

Beyond my personal preference that people realize the vast potential embedded in this way of living, there is something in the air that points to the new paradigm of relationships coming into form, now.

It is solely based on our willingness to participate in the process and co-create the new way, as our unique embodiments of this work (and continued evolution along the way) is what forms this new paradigm. Essentially, the new paradigm will not create itself.

My personal story is continuing to unfold, as it will until my last day, but what I can share with you is that everything has changed in the past ten years, and I have never been happier or more aligned. I am sure of my life. I trust myself. And I have experienced the heights of relationships - both romantic relationships and relationships of all types - because of what this path has gifted to me.

It’s not for the weak-willed; it requires humility and getting dirty in the muck of life. There is often nowhere more terrifying to people than their own shadow. But I can promise you that if you continue to conveniently ignore it, as I did, it will find you eventually - and so it’s wiser to turn towards it with eyes of love, getting curious about its mysteries and hidden secrets. As Joseph Campbell said, “The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek.”

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Artwork via @theancientgemstone

Leigh-Anne LoPinto is a visionary of the new paradigm of relationships. As a psychologist, relationship coach, and breathwork teacher, she has spent 14 years working with individuals and groups to heal relationship wounds, develop secure attachment, and overcome codependency. She specializes in conscious relationships and spiritual partnership, using relationships to evolve on a soul level.

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