Who Comes First in a Relationship?

Finally understanding what devotion really means

When I read The Way of the Superior Man years ago, I had already been exposed to a lot of what David Deida wrote in that book from spending time in the Los Angeles polarity scene, so it wasn't controversial for me.

However, I remember reading the chapter titled "She Doesn't Really Want To Be Number One" and finding it hard to swallow. I was stuck in codependency programming, and part of me did want to be his number one, that false soulmate conditioning of putting each other on pedestals above all else.

Now, re-reading the book, I wholeheartedly agree with Deida’s opening paragraph in that chapter:

A woman sometimes seems to want to be the most important thing in her man's life. However, if she is the most important thing, then she feels her man has made her the number one priority and is not fully dedicated or directed to divine growth and service. She will feel her man's dependence on her for his happiness, and this will make her feel smothered by his neediness and clinging. A woman really wants her man to be totally dedicated to his highest purpose - and also to love her fully.

This relates to what I now teach about codependency, relationship addiction, and that void inside of ourselves that we try to fill with another person (or anything outside of ourselves).

I’ve since learned that the ‘God sized hole’ can only be filled with a connection to the divine.

I believe our addiction to finding the 'one' is really just a yearning for a connection to Source.

This comes down to our relationship with God and listening to ourselves at a soul level FIRST. God first.

In the past, I abandoned myself at a soul level (therefore, abandoning God) for partners, and those situations ended with some seriously hard lessons.

Truth always wins. It’s a Universal Law.

So, I love this chapter now, and wholeheartedly agree.

What I have come to learn is that once you have the eyes to see the utmost importance of God first, ultimately, you will not trust others who don’t see this too.

But I will add that it's not just for men to put their soul level growth and service to the divine first. Women get to do this too, obviously.

If a woman puts her man first above all else, she falls into the same trap of codependency that humanity is being asked to escape from right now.

She will have to learn the hard lessons eventually.

This is why I say that no human is my authority; God is my only authority.

[This is why the highest expression of anarchism appeals to me.]

Connection to my intuition and inner guidance trumps everything else. I will not sacrifice what I know at a soul level for any person or situation.

That is true liberation for me, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

The true essence of Divine Union is union with God. And although admittedly my first attraction to that phrase had to do with the fact that I thought it referred to a romantic relationship, my prayers to experience Divine Union came true, and I now understand what must come first - God’s will.

Submission and surrender? Only to God, never another human. My energy does not go towards feeding human egos.

I would love to hear what you think about all of this. Comment below or message me. I appreciate you!

Leigh-Anne LoPinto is a psychologist, relationship coach, and breathwork teacher with 13 years of experience.  She uses a psychological-spiritual approach to help people all over the world heal relationship wounds, overcome codependency, develop healthy self-love, and attract incredible relationships.  She specializes in Divine Union and conscious relationships, using relationships to evolve on a soul level. 

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