How We Enable Bad Behavior

It has a lot to do with blind compassion.

This morning, I had to own that my parenting style has often sat on the side of making things very easy and comfortable for my son.

He has been my greatest teacher in many ways, and parenting is both the hardest and best job in the world, in my eyes.

There was something I knew I needed to take a firmer approach with him on, and these situations are uncomfortable for us both, but with much heart and truth, I must accept my responsibility as a parent for shaping his behavior significantly.

’Permissive’ is an uncomfortable quality to see in oneself.

And yet how do I want him to enter the world, as he is now just years away from living on his own?

If I continue to shy away from providing him opportunities to step into adulthood, to take responsibility for his life, and then expect him to magically glide into real life, did I really do a good job as a parent?

I know that if any of us live in an easy, comfy, overly protected space, our muscles become atrophied, we lack the very real opportunities to get through hard things, challenges, all the stuff that makes us grow and mature.

George Simon calls this developing healthy character.

And while girls definitely need this kind of training, boys may need it even more.

Mothers of sons who make life too easy for them, coddling and hovering and rushing in to save them, are a big part of why an entire generation of boys have not yet launched into manhood.

Hard pills to swallow.

There was an episode I recorded a couple of years ago called Codependency in Parenting. That was helpful for a lot of people, and relates.

I’m still on the path. It’s getting much more real as he gets older, and yet I know that the growth and stretching for all of us is a blessing and I do not honestly think he will enter the world completely unequipped.

As I reflect on this, as well as what I spoke of in the latest podcast episode (that is not a popular opinion), blind compassion comes to mind right away.

Blind compassion is giving in to others without setting boundaries, which can enable harmful behaviors and lead to resentment.

It prioritizes avoiding conflict over the other person’s long-term well-being.

Unlike true compassion (or what I sometimes call true love) - which sometimes involves tough love and setting limits - blind compassion is rooted in fear and the need to be liked, often resulting in enabling unhealthy patterns and leaving the ‘compassionate’ person feeling drained.

Many parents want to be friends with their children instead of being parents.

We can extend this out into how we show up in relationships in general, and especially in romantic relationships, I see the damage done all the time in my clients’ lives and what I had to experience personally in love, as well.

And it would be remiss if I didn’t point out here that our enabling of bad behavior extends much further out into all harmful behavior, all along the spectrum, worldwide.

Characteristics of blind compassion

• Enabling and people-pleasing: Giving people what they want without considering if it’s what they actually need, often to avoid conflict or disapproval.

• Weak boundaries: Allowing others to treat you poorly or repeatedly engage in harmful behavior because you are afraid of confrontation or upsetting them.

• Exaggerated excuses: Making excuses for others’ harmful actions instead of holding them accountable.

• Fueling dependency: Providing ‘help’ that perpetuates a problem, such as continuing to give money to someone with a substance abuse problem or not holding a partner accountable for harmful behavior.

• Draining the giver: Leaves you feeling used, resentful, angry, or exhausted.

What true compassion really is (aka true love)

• True compassion involves setting boundaries and sometimes saying “no” or expressing displeasure to help someone develop competence and resilience.

• It actually empowers others by encouraging personal responsibility rather than fostering dependency.

• It’s rooted in a sense of courage and tending to the greater good, not just the fear of not being seen as a ‘good’ or ‘spiritual’ person.

• True compassion is the ability to hold both kindness and accountability, recognizing that true love sometimes involves holding others to higher standards.

This morning, I’m sitting with a deep thing to ponder. How would the world change, and how would the state of humanity change, if we really got this, if we really understood that we shape the caliber of our world?

And that we may be responsible for how things are really going, at least in large part?

Hard pills to swallow…

And invites me into an even greater understanding of what personal responsibility really means.

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About me:
My name is Leigh-Anne LoPinto, and I’m devoted to the new paradigm of relationships.

For the past 15 years, I’ve worked with people 1:1 and in groups to support healing and growth through relationships. and we are the visionaries of the new paradigm, the people going first.

I clearly see, know, and live this path, understanding the terrain and pure potential that it holds as the key to the evolution of humanity.

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