A Brief Summary of The New Paradigm of Relationships

An Eleven Year Obsession

When my entire world crashed and burned in 2014 with the collapse of my marriage, I was put through a grueling initiation that I now recognize as the birth of my whole body of work.

It was a massive death and rebirth that can only be described as total devastation, and yet it was absolutely my greatest blessing. (I can say this now, but it obviously didn’t feel like that when I was going through it…)

A few years prior, I had begun practicing as a psychologist, but this event ended up changing the whole trajectory of my work a few years later when I was able to come up and out of the dark night as a much more healed and integrated woman.

Walking through the fire in such an intense way began to influence my work with clients, not because I thought I was worthy enough to teach or become some sort of expert, but because more and more people were coming to me with the exact blueprint of what I had just gone through, looking for help.

This was absolutely wild to me, as I truly believed for a time that I must be the only person who doesn’t know how to do relationships, and had a lot of shame around what I went through.

Truthfully, the growth mentality that I embraced with a fervor once I was able to pick myself off the ground, with an obsessive quality that was definitely the result of the traumatic nature of it, served me well in repairing my own life, as I learned everything I could about healthy relationships, secure attachment, and freeing myself from codependency.

It became a mission.

I healed my self love and self worth, stopped abandoning myself for love, learned about boundaries, and developed a spine. I stopped settling for mistreatment and started applying the principles of conscious relationships to all of my relationships.

(Typing that into a couple of sentences seems easy now, but all of that took years of work - blood, sweat, and tears.)

Things massively shifted in my life as a result of that two year crucible, and I couldn’t hide that change from my clients.

What I learned later is that the embodiment of actually having gone through the thing and having come up and out the other side as a completely transformed woman was what was drawing people to me, without saying a word.

I was also facilitating women’s circles from 2017-2020 here in Los Angeles, where my focus began to shape into relationships, the reclamation of femininity (with boundaries), and shadow work.

Fast forward eleven years after my rock bottom, and I’ve worked with thousands of people globally to heal dysfunctional relationship patterns, move into secure attachment, transcend codependency and the drama triangle, and begin practicing truly conscious relationships.

It is my greatest honor to help people along the way, and I don’t take it lightly.

Having gone through it all in my own life first (and continuing on the path to this day), in addition to having the honor of witnessing similar patterns play out time and time again in the people I work with, has given me a lot of material to feel into, on a big picture level.

Combine the psychological level with my deep interest in esoteric spirituality and the hyperdimensional matrix control system, and I’ve been able to zoom out beyond the human realm to understand the control game and the war on love, sex, and relationships on a large scale.

(Essentially, the dynamics playing out in human to human relationships are also reflected on a much bigger level as well.)

I’ve always been a sensitive person, and my experience of feeling the hearts and souls of so many people has honed my intuition to recognize relational patterns in clients almost immediately, as well as access a higher stream that has guided me to a clear vision of the new paradigm of relationships.

Healing and deconditioning myself has also massively helped. I don’t claim to be fully ‘free’ of this, and the work continues until my last day, but I truly have cleared away a huge amount of baggage over 11 years of heavy lifting.

Regarding the bigger picture level of my work, I’ve seen the same overall pattern play out in terms of where we are being guided, and it aligns closely with Jung’s path of individuation - which is essentially leading us back home to our True Self, the essence of who we are underneath the masks and unconscious shadow parts playing out in our lives.

For me, this is a path of Truth and Love.

I don’t pretend to be the ‘one’ leader who has the only blueprint for the new paradigm of relationships - nor would I ever enjoy that role - but I have lived this new paradigm of relationships and see people every day who are actively co-creating it, now.

My deepest desire is that people are inspired by the path that has been shown to me, and that they travel the path in their own way, expressing ‘the work’ through their human and divine self, being a beacon of light for others.

My people know that this new paradigm is not going to magically appear one day for us to step into, all shiny and ready - we are currently doing the inner and outer work to bring it to fruition.

I’ve been shown major pieces to the puzzle that I want to share with you, but it’s up to each and every one of us to actualize it in our own lives and let the work come through us, transmitting our unique emanations outwards like a broadcast signal.

This article is meant to summarize what I mean when I speak of the new paradigm, and includes links to several places where I go deeper. Most of the ‘sections’ have resources embedded within if they call to you.

Please come back to this article if you are sincere about this work; take your time going through the materials. Reach out if you need support.

From Codependency to Interdependency

Collectively, we are talking about the patterns of losing ourselves in relationships, engaging in trauma bonds, and enabling each others’ dysfunctional behaviors. People are getting tired of the same old game and templates.

Codependency is expiring, and will not be part of the new paradigm of relationships. I have a 2.5 hour teaching video here if you haven’t seen it - all about how to spot codependency and break free.

Codependent pairings look like the rescuer and victim, the empath and narcissist, the anxious and avoidant, etc. These are not reciprocal relationships where both people are on an even playing field. Instead, the drama triangle is playing out constantly.

Interdependency is the new way, based in reciprocity and secure, healthy attachment.

The shift from the old paradigm to new requires a transition phase, just like anything else. We are moving towards that now, and the people who are becoming conscious of all of this and taking steps to heal and transform are leading the way.

From Insecure Attachment to Secure Attachment

Although most of us did not grow up in a family environment that produced secure attachment, we now know that attachment style can be healed and that everyone can move into secure attachment.

Insecure attachment is simply the result of relationship trauma and conditioning, and can be healed just like any other relationship wound.

Rather than view these labels as ‘fixed’ and show up in relationships needing all sorts of accommodations, we all can move towards a healthy, integrated middle.

Secure attachment is the foundation of all strong, healthy relationships.

Since moving into secure attachment includes so many pieces, it covers a lot of ground, and gives you the biggest bang for your buck if you treat it as your north star.

I highly recommend you start here if you are currently in anxious, avoidant, or disorganized attachment.

Here is a teaching video where I share more about the path towards healing.

Insecure attachment is the basis of codependent relationships and what people call ‘trauma bonds.’ So, the healing path towards secure attachment and interdependency have much overlap.

From Outsourcing Love to Self-Love

We are now beginning to recognize that showing up in relationships with a void that needs to be filled sets us up for failure. Most people look externally for wholeness, once again feeding codependent dynamics.

When we heal the initial wounds that eroded our self-love and self-worth in the first place, we move towards wholeness and integration rather than outsourcing that to another person.

From Dogmatic Polarity Teachings to Inner Union and Energetic Agility

I now firmly believe that distorted pop polarity teachings are part of the agenda to interrupt humanity from stepping into the new paradigm.

Encouraging men to be “100% in their masculine” and women to be “100% in their feminine,” while shaming those who don’t comply is taking people in the wrong direction.

While I do believe that most men have a core essence that is primarily masculine, and vice versa for women, and that trauma and conditioning play a role in leading us away from the true embodiment of that, I also wholeheartedly believe in integration and Jung’s concept of anima/animus integration.

Whether you want to simply refer to this as the integration of the head and the heart, or go down the esoteric rabbit hole of the alchemical marriage, I know through lived experience, observation, and plenty of evidence from working with people that we are all being nudged down the path of wholeness and integration.

Life continually gives us opportunities to do so, and despite people wanting to go back in time regarding gender roles, the Universe has other plans. So, we might as well go with the evolutionary flow, or learn some hard lessons.

From Unconscious Trauma Bonds to Conscious Relationships

People are learning about the power of the subconscious and the importance of shadow work, which I have been thrilled to see (although when things begin to seep into mainstream, there are always distortions).

The subconscious is what’s really running the show, with the limited percentage of the conscious mind shaping a small percentage of our reality.

As Carl Jung famously said, “Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.”

We know that our relationship templates were imprinted by our family, and that we can trace back our adult relationship patterns to childhood. We work with a root cause approach to heal the past in addition to using our present day life to stretch into new ways of being.

The new mindset of using relationships as a vehicle to evolve is potent and true. Life has already given us plenty of material to work with, and when you can look at this as an opportunity rather than a curse, the game completely changes.

In this episode, I cover many of the principles of truly conscious relationships. This represents the core of my personal values, as well as how I help others.

From Fixed Mindsets into Growth Mindsets

The fixed mindset mentality says, “I’m me and I will always be me. I’m not interested in looking at my stuff, growing and evolving. I’m happy just the way I am, so please do not bother me.” These are the folks that are just not open to hearing constructive feedback about how they are showing up in relationships, and often have difficulty with taking personal responsibility. While this way of living is more stagnant, it’s also more comfortable.

The growth mindset mentality says, “I know that I’m not perfect, and I’m here to learn and grow through life. I’m humble enough to accept my limitations while also knowing that I can evolve over time with the willingness and hard work.” These are the people who are interested in doing the subconscious work to see what’s really running the show and make powerful changes through that process. They see bumps in the road not as a sign of failure or something to be avoided, but simply an invitation to learn something new or strengthen some psychological or spiritual muscles.

One of my most downloaded episodes is called Matrix Relationships vs Higher Love: 7 Key Differences, and I speak about this dynamic there.

From ‘Divine Union’ Distortions into True Spiritual Partnerships

We live in a world that is obsessed with higher love, which has a positive side, because it is painfully evident that we are in the dark ages in relationships. It doesn’t take much to wholeheartedly believe that there has to be a different way.

Unfortunately, this longing has been channeled into distorted teachings around “twin flames” and “divine union” as love relationships. Cults and unhealed, dysfunctional ‘teachers’ have popped up around these concepts, preying on people’s wounds and unmet needs. The entire field of love, sex, and relationship ‘support’ is ripe with many unethical people who are taking advantage of these vulnerabilities.

Additionally, the true definition of divine union is not a romantic relationship, but union with God.

Countless people are describing their relationships as a ‘divine union’ and also claiming that they are a ‘divine feminine’ or ‘divine masculine.’ Nobody who is a human on this earth right now is carrying the pure divine expression of these frequencies.

When people describe their relationship as a ‘divine union’ or ‘sacred union,’ they lack a true understanding of what this phrase means.

The word ‘divine’ in particular is being watered down and used almost as a marketing word to mean something other than it’s truest definition, which is holy and of God.

This dumbing down of language is seen across the board in our current culture, as ‘spirituality’ becomes trendy and superficial.

I do think that a light is being shined on a lot of these distortions now.

A true spiritual partnership has nothing to do with romanticizing some kind of fabricated or delusional “twin flame” dynamic. It is pure authenticity between two humans who know that relationships are here for our spiritual evolution and who are going to lean in to all the triggers, all the stuff that gets stirred up, and have some fun along the way.

Every single relationship can be used as a catalyst for healing and growth - it’s just that the context of a love relationship tends to dig the deepest.

This is also a time to see Truth with clear eyes, and to be able to see when a relationship may truly be at its end point. With each and every one of the ‘transitions’ that are outlined in this article, we move towards true spiritual partnership. It’s less about flowery language and living in a fantasy world, and more about embracing the mess of being alive, together, and loving each other along the way.

From The Drama Triangle into The Empowerment Dynamic

The victim, persecutor, and rescuer dynamic is old news, feeding into codependency and keeping people trapped in a lower level of consciousness. Constant rotation of one position to another in an endless cycle of misery serves no one.

Once you start to become conscious of this dynamic in your personal life, you begin to see it everywhere, including the world stage.

I often say that transcending the drama triangle will be one of the most impactful things that humanity accomplishes, massively changing the entire globe.

Thankfully, we also know the way forward here. The empowerment dynamic was written about by David Emerald, describing how to transmute the lower expressions of victim, persecutor, and rescuer into the creator, challenger, and coach respectively.

Although this process is too in-depth to cover fully here, it’s really a shift out of ‘poor me’ victim mentality into taking responsibility for your life and stepping into your creatorhood, in addition to supporting others to do the same.

I just spent six weeks with a great group going deep into alchemy of the drama triangle, including alchemy of fear, shame, anger and sadness. It was a powerful group doing the work of a lifetime. It’s really about applying growth mentality deeply to all of the three manifestations that we tend to rotate through, forever changing relationships and our ability to grow and evolve together.

From Distorted Sexuality into Higher Level Sexuality

What is your true, authentic sexual expression? How much of it has been shaped, molded and programmed by a world teeming with sex addictions, pornography, and casual sex that centers pleasure above all else, often divorced from the heart?

We are currently in the dark ages in relationships, and sexuality is where this is most evident.

Sexuality is our birthright and is extremely powerful, it is the energy of creation. It is holy energy.

It is also incredibly easy to control, manipulate, and hook people through sexuality, keeping them enslaved and serving agendas that do not have your best interest in mind.

Higher level sexuality has everything to do with honoring sex as sacred and merging it with the heart - it becomes the highest expression of love.

I teach about higher level sexuality in my community group, and go in depth with what I call sexual sovereignty here. There has never been a more important time to engage in real shadow work here, especially being aware of what is and is not ‘you.’

This is a note I shared recently on Substack that relates to what I speak of:

I believe the subconscious lives within our energetic field, broadcasting to the world what we carry and attracting or repelling people, situations, etc. This is why it’s critical to do shadow work.

However, not everything that lives in the shadow is ‘us.’ Traumas create tears in our energetic field, which allow outside energies to get into the shadow. When working with a professional, it’s imperative to have someone who understands this - and will not have you ‘love and integrate’ back in parts that aren’t truly you. These things need to be cleared and released.

While it's 100% appropriate for us to love + integrate the wounded parts of us that need attention, any external energies, influences + entities that are not ours to carry should NOT be loved, integrated in, and carried around with us. Clearing/releasing/detoxing is the only way.

Additionally, energetic boundaries increase when we heal the wounds that these forces are tagging into in the first place.

The way that I work with people is a two stage approach in these cases, both clearing the energy and healing the wounds.

Relating this specifically to sexuality here in this article, I can assure you that sexuality is the number one arena where these energies come in and hijack you.

People who are most vulnerable to needing energetic clearing include those with a history of sexual abuse or trauma, viewers of pornography, and sex workers (as well as those who participate in that industry). However, in this day and age, this energy is running rampant and is also broadcast through music, movies, and all types of media. It is literally everywhere.

We live in a day and age where everyone needs to clear. I call it energetic hygiene, and feel like we will eventually know the importance of doing this daily, just like taking a shower.

This is not about shame, but simply about seeing the energetic consequences with clear eyes and moving towards healing and reclamation of sovereignty.

My story around all of this is here, which includes resources to clear.

The exciting thing is, sexuality is a huge piece of the evolution of humanity when we understand how to work with this energy consciously. Conscious relationships include conscious sexuality as a beautiful core.

In my own life, healing sexuality was what I call ‘the final frontier.’ It takes courage and humbleness to face. Thankfully, I see people every day who know in their bones that this is the way forward.

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The new paradigm that I envision so clearly is not some made up thing, I’ve actually lived each of these transitions, and watch people every single day step into these new ways.

This is also just the next level for us, with infinite possibility ahead.

It’s important to take a moment beyond reading and consuming this on an intellectual level and actually close your eyes to visualize what a world like this would actually look and feel like. How are you participating in it?

And equally important, if not more, is to walk the path, put this work into practice and help actualize this world, to become a co-creator of it.

I promise you that every step forward is worth it and is felt. If you believe in a higher power, everything is noticed and recognized. Life changes accordingly.

Find a therapist or support person who can guide you; this is probably the most important work in the world, and is critical in the evolution of humanity.

The path has soul evolution built in, every step of the way. This is the purpose of relationships and why we come here.

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My ego never chose to go down this path; in fact, I was dragged kicking and screaming into Truth.

To this day, I have to stretch myself to be seen and heard, as my human self much prefers significant introversion and being in my cave.

I hope my Substack articles and the podcast (my two main efforts to stretch) have been useful.

I welcome all comments and questions, and wholeheartedly wish for people to carry this work forward into their everyday lives, taking actionable steps forward in the right direction. Please reach out if you need support.

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Artwork via @theancientgemstone

Leigh-Anne LoPinto is a psychologist specializing in the new paradigm of relationships. She has 14 years of experience working with individuals and groups, and specializes in conscious relationships and spiritual partnership, using relationships to evolve on a soul level.

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